I am highly emotional, and I often joke that I feel all of my emotions all of the time. And, for so long, I thought that these emotions were bad.

I spent YEARS of my life fighting to keep my emotions pushed down, deep in my soul (insert "conceal, don't feel, don't let them show" playing in the background). But along the way, I learned that feeling the things I do in the way I do is a gift the Lord has given me so I can better empathize and love the people in my life. With the Spirit as my guide, my emotions were no longer a blazing fire that destroyed everything in their path. Navigating my emotions meant walking through them and yet staying grounded in where my feet are and what I have been called. 

On my journey to learn to walk through my emotions, I was faced with an important question.

How am I supposed to express my emotions to God?

Up to this point, the only kind of emotion I'd ever turned over to God was sadness. I had come to the conclusion that the depth of my despair and heartache was okay to reveal to God because those are docile emotions, and my sadness just involved me. My heartache meant I could ask God to take the sadness away, and everything was done. These emotions have a clear path to healing. If I'm not sad anymore, everything is fine. 

But, the emotions we've been gifted tend to venture quite a bit farther than just sadness. And it's in these emotions that I got entrapped in the lie that God can't take them. I believed that I couldn't take the biggest, deepest, ugliest of my emotions to the Father. I was stuck in the idea that He isn't supposed to be faced with our sinful nature, and therefore the foot of the Cross isn't the place to dump my rough and tough emotions. For so long, I thought that bringing my emotions into the Throne Room was me being irreverent to the Cross. 

What a horrible place to be trapped.

Yet, what if we believed that we serve a God who was big enough, strong enough, great enough to take everything we throw His way? What if the God of heaven and earth could, in fact, handle my biggest, badest, ugliest emotions after all? 

You see, God the Father is so very good, and He wants us to come to Him; in all situations and in all conditions. Loving the Lord with all our heart, soul, and mind means He not only can take all, but He wants to. What I have learned as I walk through an incredibly tough season is the condition of our hearts is not a condition for the love or the blood of Jesus. 

Our Father in heaven is one that, in His pursuit of us, has immense compassion and grace for the brokenness inside of us. He is the kind of Father that listens intently and yet speaks so clearly. He wants us to bring all of ourselves to Him because He wants to give us what we need. God does not just care about us, but He cares for us.

So yeah, take your roughest and toughest, ugliest and dirtiest, deepest and darkest emotions and lay them down at the foot of the Cross. Walk them out with Him, let them crash over you like a wave, and I promise you, He will not let you drown in them. And when you're all done, once He has dusted and dried you off, leave them there. Let those emotions stay in the Throne room, then walk in the freedom that has been bought and paid for, for you. 

He wants that for us, more than we will ever know. And He wants it for you specifically. 

But, maybe this isn't where you are. You couldn't possibly be in a place to take what you're facing to the Cross because you feel so far, too far, away from it. To sit in that Throne room is an impossible feat because you have been searching for God, but you can't seem to find Him anywhere. 

If this is where you have found yourself, can I give you some encouragement? Or maybe some Truth?

Even, and especially when God feels far away, He is right next to you. 

There is a poem that hung in my parents' house. I'm sure it's probably still up somewhere, and it's the story of footprints in the sand. 

One night I dreamed a dream.

As I was walking along the beach with my Lord.

Across the dark sky flashed scenes from my life.

For each scene, I noticed two sets of footprints in the sand,

One belonging to me and one to my Lord.

After the last scene of my life flashed before me,

I looked back at the footprints in the sand.

I noticed that at many times along the path of my life,

especially at the very lowest and saddest times,

there was only one set of footprints.

This really troubled me, so I asked the Lord about it.

"Lord, you said once I decided to follow you,

You'd walk with me all the way.

But I noticed that during the saddest and most troublesome times of my life,

there was only one set of footprints.

I don't understand why, when I needed You the most, You would leave me."

He whispered, "My precious child, I love you and will never leave you

Never, ever, during your trials and testings.

When you saw only one set of footprints,

It was then that I carried you."

The plan was never for us to face pain or suffering in our lives. The Garden was the desire of God's heart for all His people, not just Adam and Eve. But, if you are stuck in a place where you can't feel God, it can be hard to grasp this idea. When we walk through seasons of trial, the idea that God has all but vanished is the seed the enemy wants you to hold onto tightly. 

Or maybe you love God fiercely. You have for as long as you can remember. And one day, you woke up, and that fire was snuffed out. You no longer had the stirring in your heart to be in the presence of the Lord. The ache to be in the Word has disappeared. That desire for intimacy with the Spirit has evaporated. And when I am faced with these moments, can I tell you what I am incredibly thankful for?

God is not a feeling.

The God we love and that loves us is a being of omnipresent and omnipotent power. He is the air we breathe. His Spirit dwells inside of us, and He never leaves us, even when we can't feel Him. 

"It was then that I carried you."

I was a teenager the first time I ever heard someone say the phrase, "Spiritual Discipline." And while there is no formal definition, the concept of spiritual discipline is the idea that if we practice the discipline (or dedication) in the areas of spiritual life, our faith will grow deeper. Examples of some of the spiritual disciplines are prayer, fasting, solitude, studying the Word, the list goes on. But the important piece in all of these practices is discipline. 

Being disciplined in our faith means we walk out what we know in our head even when we don't feel it in our hearts. Our God wants our attention and affection all of the time, even and especially when we feel far away from Him. Building a habit of discipline is what keeps us tethered to God when we feel like we are adrift. 

If you have found yourself floating out in space without anything to grab hold of, here is a lifeline for you. Ask God to rescue you. Even in doubt, even when you have unanswered questions, ask the Father to meet you where you are, and He will come running. His pursuit of us is never fickle. In a world where every human being that utters the words "I love you" is imperfect, the Lord of heaven and earth says, "I am love," and pours not only His love but also His grace all over us.  

My sweet friend, I hope you know how totally and completely loved and wrapped in grace you truly are. And if you don't feel like that, my prayer for you today is that you would have that knowledge tucked deep in your head so you can never forget it. God is not a feeling. He is a living, breathing, loving God who wants desperately to be in relationship with you. I hope you walk in that freedom today and every day. 

Dear Lord, we praise you for who you are. For you are sovereign, faithful, and consistent over and in every circumstance and season. Thank you, Jesus, for your sacrifice on the Cross that allows us to walk in grace. Thank you, God, for being big enough to handle every part of the emotion that you gave to us. Lord, I pray that we would take every burden and doubt we face to the foot of your Throne and walk in freedom as we lay them to rest there. Spirit, we ask for your guidance when we feel far from our Creator. We ask for rescue and refuge when we feel like we can't get a grip on faith. Thank you, Jesus, for standing in the gap for us today and every day.

All for Your glory, others' benefit, and our joy. Amen.

All my love,

Kaitlyn