If Only You Knew

Do you ever have those weeks where you just feel, blah? Well, sometimes I feel like I have days that lead to weeks that feel like overwhelming seasons of straight blah. These seasons are hard. The feelings that come along with these seasons are hard and they feel inescapable. But, in this season of my life, this blah feeling seems to ever ebb and flow. It feels like right when I get to the end of the tunnel and I can see the light everything goes dark. And once again I'm just stuck in these feelings.

I think every blah season I've experienced so far has come with different feelings. Currently, I've been trapped in this feeling of constant failure. In the last few months, I've been overwhelmed with the idea that the only thing I've done successfully is in fact fail. Failed at school, failed in raising money, failed in being healthy, failed in my friendships and especially failed at my relationship with God. It's like when one wave hits it just seems like one after the other and I am just purely inundated in a mess of a life that I have no control over and can't even stand on my feet long enough to make anything even remotely better.

And then He speaks to my heart...

In this very special season of life, I have the pure blessing of being totally and completely surrounded by teenage girls. Whether it be red jackets, basketball shorts or just having dinner, being around these people is one of my absolute favorite things. But the coolest thing I've experienced is while I feel like everywhere I turn I am pouring out every ounce of everything the Holy Spirit is giving me into these humans (and LOVING every second of it), in times when it's been my job to teach or direct them, these girls have taught me so stinking much. So often I hear my sweet girls say such mean and awful things not only to each other but to and about themselves. And every time my heart breaks more and more for them. Maybe its because I remember that age and what it was like to hate every single thing about who I was. And maybe its because I can't see them they way they see themselves because when I see these sweet humans I see nothing but God's unending grace, mercy, and powerful purpose and plan for their lives. And so often, literally so often, I just want to grab them by the shoulders, shake them and say, "Don't you know what you are worth?" I wish and hope and pray desperately for them to know how beautiful, capable, wonderful they are. My heart aches for them to see themselves how they were created and intended to be seen; perfectly imperfect beautiful creations of the Lord of all.

And then, I can't do anything but smile...

I hear the Lord whisper these words into my heart, broken and a mess. In my seemingly endless and purely overwhelming failure, "If only YOU knew." It is so easy for me to push myself aside and run to the side of others. And truthfully I would rather do that every time than take care of myself and deal with my messes. But, in this unbelievably beautiful season of un-busy, I am learning what it means to love myself so that my cup may be more full so that I can serve others better, more and deeper. In this blah season, while I am still extending myself grace, I'm also learning to push through these failures. Learning to drag myself out of my warm, cozy bed to spend time with the God who created it each morning. I'm learning what it means to want to be healthy even when I feel beautiful and how keeping a healthy body is glorifying the Lord's purpose for my life. And above all else, how loving myself equips me to love the people around me even more.

Lord thank you for the awesome gift of blah seasons that teach us more than we would like to admit. Thank you for pushing and pulling us all in your direction. And of course, thank you for your sacrifice on the Cross so that we can fail endlessly and still run into your arms.

With a humble, satisfied and still learning heart,

Kaitlyn