The White Cross: The journey of finding myself and God rescuing me along the way.
I am bisexual.
I can't begin to explain the depth of the breath I just took.
Some of you have been around for a while, and for some of you, this may be your first time on my blog. This is and has always been a place where I have boldly proclaimed the things the Lord has put on my heart. For over a decade, the Father has given me the privilege of sharing His story of my life in this place. Today is no different.
I'm big on transparency, and I want nothing more than for you to leave here with no questions or ambiguity. But, before you go, I hope you'll let me share my story. And, more importantly, hear what God has laid on my heart.
As we take this journey together, I hope you lean in with grace and love, if not for me, then for the Creator that we both love deeply, intentionally and with our lives.
In the summer of 2021, I found myself in a weird spot. I was preparing to start my first year of teaching and was excited about all that needed to be done. But, as I tried and tried to sit down and work, I couldn't. So I would try again, day after day, until finally, I reached my breaking point.
I didn't know what was wrong with me.
After weeks of doing everything I could to try and get myself to sit down and focus, like most twenty-two-year-olds, I ended up on Tik Tok. And to my surprise, I found myself on ADHD-Tok. This was when I began to realize that the experiences and feelings that were normal for me weren't always normal for everyone else.
So I scheduled an appointment with my PCP, who referred me to a psychiatrist. I entered the office, where the nurse gave me the screening test. Once I was done, my results were delivered to my doctor. And the one thing you never want to hear from a medical professional came out of her mouth.
"Oh!"
To which I responded nervously, "What does that mean?" Dr. Hamdani went on to explain that for someone to be diagnosed with ADHD, they must meet a certain percentile in four of the six areas. Her response was a result of my scoring very high in all six categories.
So here I was with answers and clarity. I am different, or moreover, my brain works differently. I wish I could tell you I was excited about finally having answers, finally, having a starting point to build a healthy life. But, as I left the doctor's office that day, I was swallowed by one particular emotion.
Shame.
I was overtaken by the helplessness of being different than who I thought I was. Even though I had answers, I felt like I had no control. I found myself inundated with shame because I couldn't do anything about the label I now carried, and it felt--at the time--heavier than I ever imagined.
Over the next few months, I began to experience the world differently. For the first time, equipped with tools that helped me navigate life better, not only dramatically improved the quality of my life but even more so cultivated a deeper form of empathy for myself and those around me.
One of the most common questions I get asked by some of my close friends after coming out is, "When did you know?" And the reason I share my ADHD diagnosis is that it wasn't until I understood that not all people navigate life experiences and the world in the same way that I could look back at my life and connect the dots.
The first time I ever told someone I was bisexual, I really didn't mean to. In the heat of the moment, it came tumbling out. Even though I had admitted to myself months before, I had resolved never to tell anyone. And then I did.
Months went by, and after struggling with what I was feeling and experiencing in my head, heart, and faith. I found myself in a dark place; I was angry. Angry at what or who I couldn't tell you. But, I ran so far away from that feeling that inevitably, it was bound to make its way to the surface. And it did.
When the anger came, it was ugly, uglier than I want to admit or remember. I said and did things I have apologized for, but more than anything, I wish I could take them back. And in the aftermath, while on the phone with a close friend and someone that I profoundly trust, I was honest. And then my fears became true.
Everything I wanted for the next few years and beyond felt like it slipped through my fingers so quickly that I never even got to grieve.
Shame.
Such profound despair set in for the first time in my life. In the days following, I understood why the suicide rate is so high among LGBTQIA+ people. Because in the moment, it felt like everything I wanted could never be true. The calling God had placed on my life, my ability to mentor young people, and my desire to go to seminary all felt like an impossibility. And when left in the darkness, I was left wondering if there was any reason to stick around and figure it all out.
In the beginning, telling people was awful, not because of how they responded, but because my fear was crippling. I remember getting off the phone with my close friend, someone I wasn’t afraid of telling because of our many conversations over the years, but once I hung up, I physically couldn't stop shaking. Even while on the phone with her, it took every ounce of my strength to keep my voice steady. And that was just the physical manifestation of my fear. Nothing can compare to the fear that waged war in my mind.
As difficult as these months of my life were, the relief of being open and vulnerable with the people that truly mattered to me allowed me to sleep better than I had in a long time. Remember that deep breath I was telling you about?
One night, I was home, I honestly don't remember if I was awake or asleep, but I had a vision. Every once in a while, the Spirit allows me to see beautiful imagery about the people in my life. It's been a gift I've been grateful for to love the people around me well. On this night, I remember vividly standing in a lush green field, a soft breeze blowing, and in the middle was this beautiful white cross. It towered over me. The cross was sturdy, simple but beautiful, and wrapped around the horizontal beam was a rainbow scarf, gently blowing in the wind. What struck me the most in this vision was that the scarf was not laid over the beam but wrapped around and intertwined on the cross. I understood that the wind wasn't going to carry it away. If the scarf was to be removed, the cross would have to be taken apart.
Take that as you will. I am grateful that on that night, the Father met me in the darkness of my despair and rescued me. And thank you, Jesus, that He continues to.
As I continue to walk out what it looks like to love God and love His people, I have been met time and time again with abounding grace. I've also been met with disagreement and challenging conversations, and this is where I have landed. Changing people's theology, thinking, or opinions is not my job. And I have always believed that diversity in all aspects, but especially thought, keeps us all sharp. The caveat is that when faced with an unhealthy enviornment, I will protect my peace—something I would never have said a year ago. While I will never dismiss dissension, I will condemn hatred because that is not of Jesus.
When all this is said and done, I believe that Jesus is the Christ, the Son of the living God. He died for my sins, rose from the dead three days later, and ascended to Heaven. This is unshakeably true about who I am and who you are. And at the end of the day, when we believe this with our hearts and lives, we will all share Heaven.
Whether or not we agree on this side of eternity over things not essential to salvation will all be resolved when we stand in the presence of the Father. I've been learning a lot in the last few months. Biblical and Christian tradition spans many centuries and world views. And at the end of the day, we can disagree, and still both love Jesus with our lives. I count it all as a blessing to do life with people that I love but ultimately who love Jesus more.
Father, I pray that as we leave this place, we would lead with love and curiosity and lean in with grace and mercy. That we would let the Holy Spirit guide us in all things and all ways. And above all else, that our lives will be all for Your glory, others' benefit, and our joy. Amen.
All my love,
Kaitlyn